Monday, March 30, 2009

unkowing melancholy

Often in my life, I find myself wondering what my friends think of me. I've been told that this isn't a good thing to dwell on, because you shouldn't care what others think of you; and most normal people don't worry if their 'friends' think of you as a friend as well.

Because I've been home schooled since I was ten, having church as the only place to meet people and hang out with anyone my own age, might be part of that. So often I hear the people I'm around talking about their friends, or they're texting someone else that isn't there or tell stories that happened over the past weekend's adventure; and I don't have any sort of clue as to why that hurts my feelings.

I understand that 90% of the teenage population's outlet for friends comes from school and extracurricular activities, not church, so it's hard for most people to understand; but that doesn't make it any easier to pretty much know that you aren't per say on their 'top friends list'.

It would probably take me two hours to think of all the times I've been in a room with people I consider to be my friends and hear them talk about all the great times they've had with others. To know that you've never heard any of these friends talk about you in that memorable way or say 'do you remember that one time?'. So many of you take those minuscule things for granted or don't think much of it; and as I said, I don't know why, but it kind of hurts my feelings.

Sometimes I'd just like to scream out at certain ones that never stop talking about times they've had with others. I know that's terribly rude and mean, but it's just how I've felt every now and again throughout my life; even when I wasn't home schooled, now that I think about it.

I know that the few people that read this probably won't understand this or might even think it's an extremely inconsiderate thing to say, but that's life. Lately I've had to hear all sorts of things I don't want to, but shit happens and there's nothing we can do about it unfortunately.

- L


Kaylyn said...

Really random, but I'm just wondering--
Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Lauren S. said...

i honestly don't 'see' myself somewhere in any point of time. i know what i'd like to be doing and a place i'd like to be living in. but really have never 100% had an idea of where i'd like to be, doing what, who with in ten years or even five years.

that's probably part of my problem, really. i mean, i come from a family of procrastinators(sp), and that's not a good thing; as much as i'd like to break from the pack, so to speak, it's alot easier said than done. and that goes with alot of things. you can say you're going to do something, make plans or commitments, and they never go anywhere; happens all the time unfortunately.

there's just so many things i'd like to do and if you can believe it, ten years seems like too little time to get a good start on all of them. if it's possible, i'd really like to have a good, strong, successful photography business and studio. either located here, in naples, or somewhere in the northwest; like seattle or vancouver. preferrably in the states, haha. but i have a feeling vancouver would be a neat place to live in/photograph in. maybe have a studio in both the north and the south.

somehow, someway, i'd really like to have at least two of my scripts written and one starting on pre-production. maybe even in production, directing and acting as well.

i love naples, but as i've said, not sure that i can stay here too long. i'd really like to move, sometime withing the next five years actually to either seattle, columbus, somewhere in north california or wisconsin, haha. very random and scattered, but i love all those places or haven't even been there.

that's all i got, for now, haha. and i would REALLY REALLY like to still be in touch with all my good friends that i have right now. :]
- L

Kaylyn said...

I'm not sure that it's procrastination you should be worried about though. I'd just hate to see you miss an oppurtunity--to further your education, to travel, etc.--for one reason or another. I don't know if it's about making plans either, so much as it's about taking action and having initiative with the courage of conviction.

I love the idea of you owning a studio; I can totally see it. :) And I will definitely visit you one day, while you sit in your lofty office chair, sipping something very sophisticated and listening to indie music, haha :D To be honest, I don't even know where Vancouver is. Hahaha. But I'm sure it's lovely!

Have you written your scripts yet, or do you have ideas for them? That would be exciting as well. Are you talking about plays though or specifically films?

And those are very random places, all of which I am clueless about. Haha, how did you come up with that list? I'm curious!

And of course, that last one's a given I'm sure. :)