Thursday, January 29, 2009

bold as love

"I've just found some way or another to synthesize love or synthesize soothing. But you can't get that, and what I'm saying is, I've messed with all the other approaches except for one and it's going to sound really corny, but that's just love. That's just love. I've done everything in my life that I wanna do except just give and feel love for my living.

And I don't mean like, uh, 'roman candle, firework, Hollywood hot pink love'. I mean 'I got your back!' love.

I don't need to hear I love you. You guys love me, I love you, we got that down.

But some of the people who will tell you that they love you are the same people who are the last to just have your back.

So I'm going to experiment with this love thing. Giving love, feeling love. I know it sounds really corny but it's the last thing I got to check out before I check out."
- John Mayer

(stupid blogger won't let me embed it into the post, so I have to put a link up instead.)

- L

good love was on the way

In my eighteen years, I have never had that 'best friend'. I've come close to it, but never had that one person who knew you best and you knew them better than anyone.

The middle school years were rough not having that BFF. Everyone, girl or guy, had one and it drove me crazy. I hated hearing my friends talk about the things they did with their best friends or how much they adored going over to their BFF's house. To me it was not only frustrating not having one, but made me feel inferior when they would say those sort of things in front of me. (I had not yet heard that beautiful and true Eleanor Roosevelt quote.)

My Mom would tell me that it didn't matter if I had a 'best' friend, just a few close ones. Not everyone in life would have one, and she didn't have one until midway through High School. I believed her, truly, and did my best to forget about my nonexistent BFF.

But the years went by, I gained and lost friends every year through the constant moving. (It'll always be true of "Out of sight, out of mind."). Some friends still kept in touch, but it wasn't the same, they weren't phisically there. I couldn't have the stories all my other friends did; going to the mall, park, movies, ice cream, ETC. I longed for at least a true, actually there, best friend.

And then came last summer, when I got to really know an amazingly beautiful, honest, sweet & caring girl (or I should probably say, woman) named April. She was (and is) 9 years older than myself, but somehow we seemed to hit it off quite well. We'd known each other for over a year, but on a trip to Atlanta in August, we bonded over 'Twilight'. Ah yes, the inevitable 'Twilight'.

But that wasn't all, on the course of that long weekend she became my companion; someone I could always turn to for good conversation or just a genuine smile. It was odd, I never thought that one of my most close and 'best' friends would be almost ten years older than myself & married.

Honestly though, it didn't feel odd. It was an odd situation, but it didn't feel that way; I had finally found that 'best friend'.

THEN, I move down here and all of a sudden, I have 7 more best friends. The reason I believe they're 'best' kinds of friends is because of how genuine they are around me, that kind of feeling that you know they consider you a friend as much as you do them. It's been at least ten years since I've had that feeling, truly. I've had good friends in the recent past, but definately not this good of friends.

It's kind of another odd feeling, being able to know these kinds of people. That truly care about you and what you have to say. The lovely kind of friends who actually get back to you when you call them or write on their wall on FB. And also the kind that are so dang interesting themselves that there's a bazillion questions that you have to ask them, but never seem to have enough time to. These are the friends I've been waiting for, the kind that I know I'll be friends with my whole life.

Have a happy Friday! TGIF!

- L

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

unfinished business

Poem #1

As the tear rolls down my spine
I think of that lullaby that's been on my mind
Wondering if my heart will ever be alright
Hoping someday that my fears
Will disappear into the night

Poem #2

Singing of expressions
Expressions of sight
The sight of your expressions
Help me see the light

I hear your voice
Ringing out all the bad
Keeping the sun in
Our distance drives me mad

Can we be closer
The closer for our hearts

Hearts can get lonely too easy
How will we leave our mark

I want you to remember me
Not just for the night
To have me in your dreams
And thoughts within your life

- L

screaming hallelujah

Do you ever have that feeling that you're pretty much the last person to know what everyone else knows? No matter what the subject or person may be? I used to get that feeling alot. I don't seem to anymore, cause I truly believe it's because I have much better people in my life than I used to.

Of course, whenever you move somewhere new, there's always going to be that awkward phase of learning everything or as much as you're allowed to know about your new acquaintances & friends. Unfortunately, I've had to do that about 10 times.

I've only lived in 7 states, but moved anywhere from 14-16 times, I really can't remember. Sometimes the moves didn't require meeting new people, cause the new house was close to where we were going to church and the sports & groups we belonged to. But most of the time I had to start completely over.

Now I am not complaining, but just sort of looking back in a way; not reminiscing at all. Mainly because I feel so unbelievably blessed to be where I am now. Despite all the odd & horrible medical issues happening with my family at the moment.

In the previous place I used to live in, I felt trapped. Physically & emotionally. There was nothing to do, nowhere real interesting to go, everyone was always extremely busy; I met probably some of the most schedule-obsessed people ever in AL (that sounded really bad, but I can't think of a better-grammar way to say it). It was pretty much either stay at home and go wander around the property, go to church (which pretty much went downhill as soon as the previous Youth Director lost his job), or you could go into town, which was such a blast running into Walmart or CVS.

Emotionally, I was caught in between so many crossroads; with friends, guys & life in general. I didn't really think that girls could act like they did in 'Mean Girls' until I met some of the young women in Wetumpka. It was so easy for most of them to act genuine in front of certain people and then stab you in the back once that person had gotten out of ear-shot. Or, more so, once you had gotten out of their atmosphere, so they could say whatever they wanted to their 'friends'. I would constantly get looks from people whom I thought were my friends, the looks of 'why are you even here?', 'you don't belong here', 'who does she think she is?'. Over and over again, it never ended until I finally got to move.

For a long time, I had not liked or had feelings for a guy, boy, whatever you like to call them; for at least three years. Then a certain one came along and changed my world. I had never had feelings for any other guy before, it was much more than a crush. And because of that, I got crushed. It was also incredibly bad timing, because I had just found out that I was going to move in 8 months when I met him. He wasn't the best looking thing in the world, but he had a true and beautiful heart. I could pretty much talk to him about anything and anyone. The problem was that I don't think he ever realized that I liked him that way or he did and never acted like it, haha. I used to think he had found out, but now that I look back, I realize that he probably had no idea, unfortunately. He is now with a girl that seems fairly nice, but I don't know, I hate to be rude. I'll just let it go. I'll never let him or the memory of him go, but I'm going to try and let my feelings and opinions on his relationship go.

Life there was just boring and uncomfortable. There was a select group of people I knew I would miss, and I still do, but I could not wait to get away from it all for good.

Now, I kind of have to go back for a bit. One of my mentors & good friends is going to get married on the 20th of June, and I am set on attending the ceremony. His fiancee' & himself are so amazing together and apart, and they're two of the handful of people I miss every day. I really cannot wait to see some of the people I miss, but on the same page, I am really dreading seeing everyone I wanted to get away from.

The main reason for all this thinking about the past is because I found my old poetry journal today. Toward the end of my stay in Wetumpka, I wrote alot of poems, just trying to get the emotions out best I could. I think I'll post one here later on today (when it's in the actual wake-up time of morning or the afternoon), just to see if it actually sounds alright when I read it out of my handwriting.

ANYWAY, I wrote alot more than I had planned, and in poor grammar & punctuation I might add, grrrruh. Hopefully my blogging will get back to it's better ways the more often I do so.

Have a pleasant Wednesday!
- L

EDIT (TOO late at night to mention) - I actually posted this at 12 or 1 something, but it kept telling me it was scheduled, so I had to put yesterdays date on it so it would actually publish the darn post. That probably made no sense, but it's too late for me to really care if it made sense at all, haha.

Monday, January 26, 2009

have i lost you, american mouth

Being busy is something i dislike. People you like to spend time with being busy i despise.

Lately, that's all i can think about, honestly. It seems like no one is ever available to go and do anything or just hang out and watch movies or something. And that really, really stinks.

Now I'm not saying that i never have a busy schedule; ever since i moved here, I've become a lot more busier than normal.

BUT, it would be nice to hear ever now and again, that no one has plans for one whole weekend, you know? That the people whom i care for the most and like to be around the most don't have any plans and would like to do something anytime over the weekend.

I hope this doesn't come off as selfish at all, it's just getting old. where i used to live, people would get somewhat busy, but never this bad. They'd be over-scheduled, but not extreme busy-bees like there are here. Is it because I'm just boring? I have to wonder..

Well, the next month should be better; there are a few possibilities on the horizon. Keep your fingers crossed that those plans get set in stone somehow. :]

I PROMISE that the next blog won't include that much complaining or selfishness.

Hope everyone has a pleasant Monday!

- L

Friday, January 23, 2009

restarting a hobby

I used to write a blog, pretty regularly, but then stopped as my family prepared to move here (Southwest Florida) in July & August of 2008.

For about two months now, I've been wanting to start writing a blog again. I love to write, I have so many ideas for stories & scripts in my head (still trying to get those on paper or in a Word document) and have over a dozen pen pals.

I guess having so many pen pals at the moment is part of why I'd really like to start jotting down my daily or weekly thoughts more often. Because not all my friends enjoy writing and reading letters. Plus, it's just a great way to get out your emotions right when you have the urge to.

So..we'll see how this goes, hopefully I can keep it up like I had done before. There's much more to talk about now, so I shouldn't have any trouble. :]

- L