Wednesday, January 28, 2009

screaming hallelujah

Do you ever have that feeling that you're pretty much the last person to know what everyone else knows? No matter what the subject or person may be? I used to get that feeling alot. I don't seem to anymore, cause I truly believe it's because I have much better people in my life than I used to.

Of course, whenever you move somewhere new, there's always going to be that awkward phase of learning everything or as much as you're allowed to know about your new acquaintances & friends. Unfortunately, I've had to do that about 10 times.

I've only lived in 7 states, but moved anywhere from 14-16 times, I really can't remember. Sometimes the moves didn't require meeting new people, cause the new house was close to where we were going to church and the sports & groups we belonged to. But most of the time I had to start completely over.

Now I am not complaining, but just sort of looking back in a way; not reminiscing at all. Mainly because I feel so unbelievably blessed to be where I am now. Despite all the odd & horrible medical issues happening with my family at the moment.

In the previous place I used to live in, I felt trapped. Physically & emotionally. There was nothing to do, nowhere real interesting to go, everyone was always extremely busy; I met probably some of the most schedule-obsessed people ever in AL (that sounded really bad, but I can't think of a better-grammar way to say it). It was pretty much either stay at home and go wander around the property, go to church (which pretty much went downhill as soon as the previous Youth Director lost his job), or you could go into town, which was such a blast running into Walmart or CVS.

Emotionally, I was caught in between so many crossroads; with friends, guys & life in general. I didn't really think that girls could act like they did in 'Mean Girls' until I met some of the young women in Wetumpka. It was so easy for most of them to act genuine in front of certain people and then stab you in the back once that person had gotten out of ear-shot. Or, more so, once you had gotten out of their atmosphere, so they could say whatever they wanted to their 'friends'. I would constantly get looks from people whom I thought were my friends, the looks of 'why are you even here?', 'you don't belong here', 'who does she think she is?'. Over and over again, it never ended until I finally got to move.

For a long time, I had not liked or had feelings for a guy, boy, whatever you like to call them; for at least three years. Then a certain one came along and changed my world. I had never had feelings for any other guy before, it was much more than a crush. And because of that, I got crushed. It was also incredibly bad timing, because I had just found out that I was going to move in 8 months when I met him. He wasn't the best looking thing in the world, but he had a true and beautiful heart. I could pretty much talk to him about anything and anyone. The problem was that I don't think he ever realized that I liked him that way or he did and never acted like it, haha. I used to think he had found out, but now that I look back, I realize that he probably had no idea, unfortunately. He is now with a girl that seems fairly nice, but I don't know, I hate to be rude. I'll just let it go. I'll never let him or the memory of him go, but I'm going to try and let my feelings and opinions on his relationship go.

Life there was just boring and uncomfortable. There was a select group of people I knew I would miss, and I still do, but I could not wait to get away from it all for good.

Now, I kind of have to go back for a bit. One of my mentors & good friends is going to get married on the 20th of June, and I am set on attending the ceremony. His fiancee' & himself are so amazing together and apart, and they're two of the handful of people I miss every day. I really cannot wait to see some of the people I miss, but on the same page, I am really dreading seeing everyone I wanted to get away from.

The main reason for all this thinking about the past is because I found my old poetry journal today. Toward the end of my stay in Wetumpka, I wrote alot of poems, just trying to get the emotions out best I could. I think I'll post one here later on today (when it's in the actual wake-up time of morning or the afternoon), just to see if it actually sounds alright when I read it out of my handwriting.

ANYWAY, I wrote alot more than I had planned, and in poor grammar & punctuation I might add, grrrruh. Hopefully my blogging will get back to it's better ways the more often I do so.

Have a pleasant Wednesday!
- L

EDIT (TOO late at night to mention) - I actually posted this at 12 or 1 something, but it kept telling me it was scheduled, so I had to put yesterdays date on it so it would actually publish the darn post. That probably made no sense, but it's too late for me to really care if it made sense at all, haha.


Kaylyn said...

You have an unbelieveable history...
Why did your family move so often? I cannot imagine it.

And I am so glad you finally made it here. :)

Lauren S. said...

thanks. :] it would have probably sounded alot better if i'd not written it so fast, haha.

my dad had a string of some bad jobs every now and then, or didn't like his job or got transferred to a different location. and most of those times it required moving to a new state or part of the state. alot of people think i am a military brat, but alas, the moving is not military inflicted, haha.

i am too. i haven't been this happy somewhere in at least ten years. :D
- L