Friday, April 17, 2009

PLEASE, stop this train

I'm going to write this out with no looking back, no regret of the typing errors I will make and how bad my grammar is going to appear; or if I sound too selfish.

I'm not looking forward to the fall. I'm not looking forward to August.

I'm not looking forward to never seeing all the faces and laughter I encounter on wednesday and sunday nights.

I don't want my life to stop, but a part of it's going to.

Idon't want one of my most close friends to move hundereds of miles away in four months.

I don't want to be an adult, I can't grow any older, it's going to kill my soul.

I don't want to wonder what's going on with an even more large amount of people when I can't be around to see. I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

There's no way I can not be selfsish in my wants and desires for things to come to a fucking halt.

I can't be that smile against the wall saying things are alright when they aren't.

I won't be insecure and inhibited about my feelings towards the people in my life anymore. I don't have a whole lot of time wtith them left.

My head is telling me that if I continue to live here once the next academic year starts agaibn, I'll loose my mind; once everyone goes back to school and I am kicked out of the best enviorment I've known in the longest time.

I have to get away, somehow. There's no way of me staying around this place if I can't be with the people I love.

This city named after another in italy is the most amazing place I have ever lived in. But 90% of that is because of the people who are here. I can live without all the great shopping and beaches and sights.

I won't be going to college in the fall, never planned on it, never wanted it or thought of it as much as so many othe rpeople do. I don't need it to live my life, don't think I ever will. Maybe it's a stupid move, but I don't care, I think it's a waste of four years I could be doing so much more.

I sit here, crying my emotions out of my soul, desperately wanting to stop slow dancing in this damn burning room. Please, PLEASE, someone stop this train I'm on, stop the time, or I'm going to go insane.

"I'm so scared of getting older; I'm only good at being young."

"And you don't miss a thing, 'til you cry. When you're driving away, in the dark. Singing, stop this train."

- L


Kaylyn said...

But Lauren, people DO grow and change and learn, and that's the BEAUTY of life! I mean, I definitely don't want this year to end either at all, but it's going to happen, so I'm just going to enjoy my time as much as possible and open my arms to the next adventure. :)

Kaylyn said...

And at church, you ARE going to see everyone Sunday mornings! But you can also join the adult Bible study class on Wednesday nights if you're still in town.

And I think maybe if you get your liscense and your car and you already have your job, maybe your next steps would be starting to make money for some sort of goal. Traveling, if that's what you'd like to do! And save up money for all the film you'll need on your vacations. :)

Everything will be alright, because in the end, everything's always alright, and there's always a reason. To be honest, I'm really stressed out and really scared and really tired. But I'm really excited too. I have hope that whatever's in the future is going to be better than what I have now.

Kaylyn said...

And maybe, just an idea, you might want to enroll in some classes at a local college-- even FGCU. Just a few courses, even in photography or film or directing, etc, so that you can meet some new people around Naples that are your age and are interested in the same things you are.

It might surprise you where you end up when you leap before you look. :) Plus, you'll be so busy with new exciting classes and saving money at your job that you won't have time to be sad!

That's the number one thing I do every time Cliff leaves again for college, and I feel empty and lonely and lost: I take up three new activities and throw myself into my homework. I started taking all those classes at the YMCA. If you're always running from one place to the next, always finishing some assignment, you never have time to think about what you're not doing.

Kaylyn said...

Basically, when it comes down to it, you have to give it all up to God. I mean, He has his plan and you can't control it and there is a perfect reason for everything. Even if it's not what we want. He has something BETTER planned.

When I'm lonliest and I feel like I'm at my absolute breaking point, that's always when I realize I have not been trusting God enough. I'm trying to run my own life and do what I want to do and YOU JUST CAN'T DO THAT. I am nothing without Him.