Thursday, June 18, 2009

life, let's not generalize #2

Sometimes, like right now, I don't give a damn if I sound selfish or like a bitch. I really want to lock myself in a room with nothing but my favorite music, some paper to doodle on, a pen, and a big pillow. Just cry and be myself, all by myself and not have to worry about what and who is outside the door.

-- i don't know what to do or how to act around anyone, anymore. no one.
-- i feel like i say all the wrong things at the wrong times to say them.
-- even though i'm told that i'm loved, i still feel like i can never live up to my parents expectations lately.
-- not having any clue as to why, but i hate the fact that i've never been someone's best friend, but i've considered them mine.
-- i don't mind if i fail the drivers test again, but i mind if it makes it appear as though i've put no effort into it.
-- my life is crumbling around me, everything and everyone and i know there's not much i can do to stop the cracks on the walls of my life.
-- i feel as though i'm so self-absorbed sometimes, comparatively to my friends who have been through so much more than me.
-- there are certain people i just never want to hear their opinion of certain subjects, ever again; never ever again.
-- i really don't know how to describe my life or who i am or where i'm going. it doesn't scare me but makes me feel insecure every now and then.

Reality sucks, basically.
And I want to live in Wonderland with Alice & her friends.

honest love&hugs,
- L


Kaylyn said...

Wow, Lauren.

I feel as if this is written directly at me. If I offended you with what I wrote, I'm really sorry. I was only trying to help. I mean, that's what friends do--they offer honest advice and opinions.

And I hate to say homeschooling is at fault for your failed search for a best friend, but the fewer people you know, the harder it is to find people that compliment you individually. If you're only meeting a few people in church, I can see how it would be really hard. Plus, you've moved around so much the last few years. I know for a fact my feelings for certain people differ from their feelings for me. But that's okay! Because we meet more people. It's an experience you learn from, not a lifetime commitment. (I can always count on my brothers because they ARE a lifetime commitment, haha.)

I honestly, sincerely want the best for you and for your future. But that means you'll have to listen to other people sometimes. Even if what they're saying isn't what you want to hear or it isn't parallel with your own opinion, you know?

I'm not going to lie: I am truly concerned for your future. You have such amazing goals set for yourself. I want to see you succeed and obtain them. That's all everyone wants for you, Lauren. If we didn't care, we wouldn't tell you our opinions.

And I don't think anyone thinks you haven't put effort into studying for your driver's test. Jon's studying the same stuff right now; you could talk to him about it.

If you're really that upset with your life and other issues right now, maybe we could talk about it at Chi Rho on Sunday instead of online.

Lauren S. said...

none of this was directed towards you, really. my parents are just driving me crazy with so much, esspecially my mom, i feel like i am going insane. your notes, letters, comments, everything - mean more to me than you'll ever know kaylyn.

i feel just so, so horrible for making you think any of this was your fault. none of my complaining, bitchiness, selfish-rants are not directed towards you nor are they the off-set from things you've said. i apologize if i've made you feel bad or hurt your feelings, really i do.

i had not responded to the other comment you left because i really didn't know what to say. you left me speechless, honestly. i sat in my room for at least a half hour trying to think of something to say.

i wasn't mad at you, i really wasn't upset with anyone; my parents were, but i wasn't as annoyed as them, maybe just dissapointed.

i was more so ranting and complaining in a weird way of how, if i hadn't failed the drivers test, had not waited this long to actually get my license, i would have no issues in that field right now. i hate that i can't go anywhere or do anything i want, when, exactly when i'd like to. that doesn't happen often, but when it does, and i have the funds to go and shop or to a movie or something, and can't cause i need a ride, it ticks me off so much.

i don't have the fear of failing, i just have the fear that my parents and the people that do give me rides will shake their heads in shame cause i can't succeed in actually having the knowledge that the test needs to pass it. i know i'll be fine in the driving part, but they make it confusing on the written, so i don't understand and i get confused and anxious, then i wind up missing the five questions in the first seven. it sucks, and makes me wonder if i'll choke again the next go around.

right now, i honestly have to go and work on something, but if i think of more to say,(which i probably will.) i'll post another comment. :]

thanks for always caring for as long as i have known you, miss kay.

- L

Lauren S. said...

pretty much all of my ranting and annoyance and EVERYTHING that is related to being angry or upset if directed towards my parents.

just an fyi figured out. i really don't have much to say right now except i don't know how i'm going to survive the next couple months, mentally. :/

we'll see. there are CONSTANT up and downs.

- L