horrid week of empty smiles

I don't have much to say because I'm currently tweaking a couple of blogs...

Hope everyone has a happy New Years eve; mine's going to be pretty boring unfortunately, maybe I'll go to a coffeeshop and write for awhile since there's no one answering their phone these days to try and get together with.

I roll my eyes and sigh at the fact that the first half of the year was amazing but the last half...not so much. Hope everyone else has a wonderful time and makes lots of new memories though!

(I've had a horrible week and have always hated to complain especially when I know no one reads this, but still, I'm trying to get rid of my heartache and no one seems to want to help. Hopefully in the big talked about 2010 I can get my act together and move somewhere where I'll meet lovely, reliable people who keep promises and ride their bikes over to my apartment to cheer me up. I dream of this life that will hopefully begin in a years time and wish for all of your dreams to come true in this brand new decade that's upon us.)

Much love,
- L

thoughts, the precious ones in need of care

I've decided that I'm moving. Somewhere. Somewhere else new. I don't think I can LIVE and be capable of LOVE here anymore. All the ones that had insurance on my life and love have gone away or are preparing to. Being dramatic is something I hate, but sometimes the truth is very dramatic.

Recently, I've been offered a room and board in Australia with one of my friends and pen-pals, Miss Bianca J. She likes the idea of having an American living with her and her (from what I've heard) lovely boyfriend and I love the idea of moving out somewhere as far as Australia and the completely new adventure of it.

Before I move there sometime in the summer (when it's cold, winter-time there) I'd like to move back to Ohio or even possibly, Alabama. Somehow, a good number of my friends now live there and that fact is kind of frustrating. I still don't like it and don't want to live there permanently, but maybe, just maybe for a 2-4 month period or something.

Honestly, I just see no more reason to stay in Naples. There's no fuel for my fire, my drive, my ignition; I'm worn out, quite tired of trying to find a job in a city full of skinny, tan blonde things and losing inspiration fast. My world seems to be on the west coast or in some other country far far away. Every time I hear about a neat shop or fair I'd like to go to it's in San Fransisco, Seattle, Chicago, Vancouver or somewhere else on the west coast. I'd really love to move to Vancouver, I could maybe get a job with the company my Dad works for; but with the Olympics coming up, it's most likely way too expensive to live there, even to rent.

I hate sounding like such a brat, really, but I'm so exhausted, emotionally, I don't know how to deal with the tiniest things like dropping silverware. Losing touch with one of my three best friends has been a bummer, barely seeing the second while she's home is killing me (even though I know I'm not the only person she wants to see and the only friend who misses her, it still hurts), and the third is busy with work. Looking back, I know there were much worse of times of loneliness and exhaustion, so I don't want to complain any further.

Mail seems to be one of the few things keeping my awake and looking forward to something every day. So on days like today when there's NOTHING but bills, it just puts my sad mood into an angry one. People experience that every day, I know I know, but for someone with 20+ pen-pals, it can be quite the frustration-booster.


Anyway, on a lighter note, wanted to let you know that in the next two weeks I will be putting together my mail and mail-art blog! I've been taking photos of mail sent and recieved the past couple months in anticipation, but the thing that's been holding me back is a catchy name. (Such as the fabulous Missive Maven.) So far all I've got is The Mail Maiden or the Maiden of Mail; but to me, that sounds too much like 'The Missive Maven' and like I'm a copy-cat, you know? Well, here's thr proposition - With the words featured below, help me figure out a name for my mail/mail-art themed blog, and you'll receive something special in the mail from me! I'll post some photos soon to show you my handy-work with mail-art and love of vintage stamps so you'll get a glimpse of what you could be receiving. :]

Feel free to add more of your choice words, but here's what I've got so far:
Missive/Postal/Mail/Dilettante/Dabber/Art/Love/Live/Life/Must/Maiden/Duchess/Pretty/Daring/Caring/Letter/Letters/Post/Service/Deliver/Devoted

Looking forward to your ideas!
- L

the company of heartache

heartache, heartache.

will you stay?

will you be mine, on this rainy day?

you comfort me ever so easily.

and tend to the loneliness that resists my plea.

does anyone know of such pain?

the un-tragic kind that twists your soul?

needing to see the faces, those lovely ones.

they've begun to fade, to grow old,

put on a un-wanted shelf in your heart, weakend with mold.

heartache, heartache.

please, let me be.

my foolish assumptions led my heart away.

they made me believe i was really there.

when it appears i never have.

i don't want you, but know you'll stay.

heartache, oh heartache.

- L

it's my birthday! (in australia)

Or atleast it was a few hours ago....haha. When I got on the computer today I was overjoyed to see this in my inbox and just had to share. :]





Thanks so much Bianca! One of the cutest and neatest presents I've ever recieved! <3 <3

- L

down to the meadow

he asked her gently,

'my dear, have you been down to the meadow?'

- L

november now

(Click photo for bigger image!)

- L

do not fret for him

"No my friend, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns amoung the dark trees."
- Carole Borges

"The body is a house of many windows: there we all sit, showing ourselves and crying on the passers-by to come and love us."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

"What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured."
- Kurt Vonnegut

Happy Blogging!

- L

well, hello there

Here are some things that have made me giggle lately -

- L

the time of ember

Her heart is full of ember.

The kind of warm truth.

She feels it shaking her bones.

Shaking them almost dry.

How long will this ember of warmth last.

A possible minute longer than the story?

These thoughts run up and down her spine.

Waiting for the wonder of the cry.

This burst will transform her.

More than she's been told.

The ember truth will shatter.

To reveal the beauty of love.

A beauty so pure, so true.

Her heart won't take it.

And she'll move to be.

On a cloud up above.

- L

slept in remembrance

She looked out the window.

Eyes filled with tears so pure.

She saw nothing of this moment.

Things that are meant to be.

Her soul dreamed of red.

Not this crowded green.

She dreams of previous life.

When times were full of heart.

And grace, laughter and love.

These slept-thoughts will comfort her.

Until they become too gray to see.

Then she raises her shaken hands.

To open the window of green.

Grasping onto fragile air.

She is screaming, crying out.

Asking for the time of last year.

For that time was forever.

That time was hers.

It was hers and all of theirs.

Memories of which are the most dear.

Thinking of the conversations.

The moments and laughter.

Crying out for November.

She cried for November.

- L

love much?

all credit can be found on my tumblr, 'I Remember This...'

- L

unfinished thoughts

starting with a quote..

"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does, the better" - Andre Gide


---------------------------------------
EDIT - 8/9/09
i can't remember exactly as to where i was going with this, i think something about art and why we're all a part of each other's inspiration..? anyhow...moving on to new things.

come back tomorrow (August 10th) and there should be some new features and blogs!

and thank you to Kaylyn for the lovely, sweet comment. :D

- L

coming attractions

within the next four days this space will be filled with wonderful-ness.

i know it can be hard, but trust me.

in the meantime..read 1st Corinthians 13 once again. it's definately changed since the last time i read through it. we should all read it at least once a month. i know i'm going to put an effort out to.

until your doseage of wonderful arrives,

LOVE and hugs,
- L

no one is alone

Quotes are amognst my favorite things lately. Read on..



"If you look the right way, you will see that the whole world is a garden." - title from 'The Secret Garden'


"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." - Stephen Wright


"We do not remember days, we remember moments." - Cesare Pavese

love and hugs,
- L

death by celebrity week

"You have to show them that you're really not scared
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare
They'll kick you, then they beat you
Then they'll tell you it's fair
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right"
- MJ



This piece is all that I will post about the passing of Michael Jackson.

Also, to say that I thoroughly have enjoyed listening to his music the past 24 hours on constant music video marathons - quite interesting and entertaining. I was surprised to have liked a lot of the songs he did after the 'Thriller' album and all the plastic surgery. He was and is a legend and I truly believe there will never be anyone like him; much so in retrospect of Elvis and The Beatles.

But don't let Jackson's death overshadow those of two other big names in the entertainment industry. Ed McMan and Farrah Fawcett passed this past week along with the King of Pop, and we need to remember them as well.

Yes, they are not AS huge as Jackson, but still, they were human beings that deserve to be honored and mourned as well.

So I'm going to go ahead and say it - Quit freaking out people! - for goodness sakes, he's in a better place! Trust me, I'm afraid to die sometimes and for the people I care about most to die, but as much as that scares me, it also brings me joy to know that we'll move on to a much more enjoyable and free-ing life with God and His Son.

---

Unfortunately I don't know for sure where a lot of the people I look up to in the Film industry, Music industry and Art/Photography industries will go when they die. That's one of the unfortunate part about celebrities, most of us rarely get to meet them, to know them; to really see what kind of a person they are and how genuine they truly can be.

I don't worry my head over it every day, but sometimes I get in a state of wonderment about what all these famous people really are like and if the faith they probably had when they were younger will really come through for them in the end. I don't believe that you need to be an amazingly fanatic Christian person and be that way your whole life, but so many of these people in the Entertainment industry haven't been either or.

I actually think to myself sometimes, I wonder if when they get to the pearly gates, will they start an argument with God about all the issues we have with each other in present day?

- Abortion
- Gay Rights
- Sex Before Marriage
- Marriage In General
- Drugs & Alcohol
ETC.

You know? I have a feeling some might! And in a way, that's hysterically funny, but on the other hand, it's an odd kind of defiance and just...wrong.

So, maybe instead of being upset over these people's deaths, take some time to think over how you can not only pray but in any little way possible help these kinds of people get stronger faith. Yeah, there's slim to none chances of you ever meeting the people you look up to or who entertain you with their talents, but still, every little bit helps. Every single person has a way of helping others understand God and his mission & purpose more.

loveandhugs,
- L

bunny scratches and cannolis

Life has it's ups & downs.

That's the best way to describe where I'm at.

One moment I'm in this huge fight and discussion with my parents about where my life is going; and the next the three of us are driving around Naples talking calmly and having a good time.

I get upset or ticked at people for the tinyest things and don't know what to do with myself; then I wish I'd never said anything and just been the great friend I know I am.

Life can suck one moment and the next it's crazy/beautiful.

There's no possible way to acurately describe myself and the situations I'm in anymore except through quotes and lyrics.

Odd..but true.

Emotions speak louder than words, through song. I guess..?

Everywhere I go anymore, a card or label on a box or something on a menu reminds me of my closest friends. I love it.

I'm beyond, BEYOND blessed to have the friends that I have. Just...amazing people are in my life right now and it's beyond my mind capacity to figure out how these kinds of people exist.

According to my Dad: "I wish that I had friends like you when I was younger, Lauren. None of your friends deserve you and your generosity. None of them. You're such a wonderful and talented person, with an amazingly giving heart."

I do not lie; after a huge fight and a few discussions I had with my parents this evening, my Dad and I talked about random different things, including friends. I have a different kind of relationship with both parents than most, it's a good & bad thing.

And he's said that same quote before a couple times.

I agree with him, then again I don't.

Sometimes I wonder if certain people deserve me, but I know that a small handful do. There are just certain people that come into your life and then your heart that are just meant to be there and need to be there. To remind you every day that you're still loved despite what un-blood-related people have said otherwise in the past. And visa versa. These people that are just meant to be loved just as much as you need loving from someone who isn't related to you, they deserve it. There are so many other people out there that I think deserve these kind of friend-type-relationships, but I just have not found them yet.

Or they haven't found me..

Also, sometimes, I feel as though you really have to shove it into other peoples minds that it's okay to be honest with you, whether you've heard it before or not. Whether you feel as though they are listening to the core of what you're saying or not. Or, whether you're hearing them out or not. OR, whether you cannot decide how to respond to the compassion and sincere words they've put in front of you.

The truth is..I take my anger or frustration or sadness out on the people I least want to. Ranging from my friends to my parents to my pets to my siblings to inatamite objects, sometimes even myself. This is a habit that has to be broken, not needs to, has to. I can't hurt the wrong people anymore, make it seem like I don't appriciate them, or care for them anymore. I truly apologize if I've made it seem like any of the above were true, cause they are not. Nor will they ever be. [ insert smiley face here. ]

I love every single one of you silly sweethearts, so just deal with it..

Lauren Lankford, Kaylyn Vollmer, Carol Tickel, Valerie Valcourt, Martine Valcourt, Jon Vollmer, April Payne, Emily Terry, Harrison Vollmer, Millie Palmer & the whole Chi Rho Crew .

Love AND Hugs,
- L

life, let's not generalize #2

Sometimes, like right now, I don't give a damn if I sound selfish or like a bitch. I really want to lock myself in a room with nothing but my favorite music, some paper to doodle on, a pen, and a big pillow. Just cry and be myself, all by myself and not have to worry about what and who is outside the door.


-- i don't know what to do or how to act around anyone, anymore. no one.
-- i feel like i say all the wrong things at the wrong times to say them.
-- even though i'm told that i'm loved, i still feel like i can never live up to my parents expectations lately.
-- not having any clue as to why, but i hate the fact that i've never been someone's best friend, but i've considered them mine.
-- i don't mind if i fail the drivers test again, but i mind if it makes it appear as though i've put no effort into it.
-- my life is crumbling around me, everything and everyone and i know there's not much i can do to stop the cracks on the walls of my life.
-- i feel as though i'm so self-absorbed sometimes, comparatively to my friends who have been through so much more than me.
-- there are certain people i just never want to hear their opinion of certain subjects, ever again; never ever again.
-- i really don't know how to describe my life or who i am or where i'm going. it doesn't scare me but makes me feel insecure every now and then.


Reality sucks, basically.
And I want to live in Wonderland with Alice & her friends.

honest love&hugs,
- L

use somebody

"you know that i could use somebody.

someone like you.

somebody"
- KoL

i hate coming back to reality, point blank.

i hate being rude and obnoxious.

i hate not talking to my closest friend for almost a week.

i hate that i don't know what i'm going to do with myself in july & august.

i hate that i can't make up my mind about someone.

i hate that i probably won't see most of my local friends past the month of august, for a long time.

i hate that i don't have my drivers license yet.

---

i love that i have as many great friends as i do now; especially in comparison to where i was at this time last year.

i love that i still have pen-pals.

i love that i could possibly be starting a new life in the fall.

i love that i'm taking control of my body and eating habits when i wanted to; not when someone else wanted me to.

i love that i'm taking more chances, whether i'm the only one who notices or not.

i love that i no longer take a side in politics.

i love that i'm getting used to seeing photos of myself.

i love that i found love through friendship just when i needed it.

and i love that they see me through all my flaws and are more accepting than i could have ever asked for.

love&hugs,
- L

life, let's not generalize

i had an awesome weekend until sunday night...and yeah, well, that's all i have to say.

i'm doing my best to not publicly complain, cause i hate sounding like an ass or hurting others feelings or letting others know they hurt mine.

although it's really stupid to say beforehand and looks like i'm doubting myself, i know almost 100% that i will fail that part of the drivers test again. most likely will wind up taking it four or five times. i hope not, but i hate any sort of studying and when i do study, i get bored and can't seem to remember the important things i need and have to know.

i haven't responded to letters for two weeks cause of stuff in my life that's just annyoing and brain-wise time consuming for me. the past week all i've read is the drivers manual, nothing else. despite wanting to read a 608 page novel through the summer; i should have started a month ago.



i know this sounds completely self-obsorbed and somewhat vain, but

nobody really knows what it's like to be me. no one does.
- L

PLEASE, stop this train

I'm going to write this out with no looking back, no regret of the typing errors I will make and how bad my grammar is going to appear; or if I sound too selfish.

I'm not looking forward to the fall. I'm not looking forward to August.

I'm not looking forward to never seeing all the faces and laughter I encounter on wednesday and sunday nights.

I don't want my life to stop, but a part of it's going to.

Idon't want one of my most close friends to move hundereds of miles away in four months.

I don't want to be an adult, I can't grow any older, it's going to kill my soul.

I don't want to wonder what's going on with an even more large amount of people when I can't be around to see. I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

There's no way I can not be selfsish in my wants and desires for things to come to a fucking halt.

I can't be that smile against the wall saying things are alright when they aren't.

I won't be insecure and inhibited about my feelings towards the people in my life anymore. I don't have a whole lot of time wtith them left.

My head is telling me that if I continue to live here once the next academic year starts agaibn, I'll loose my mind; once everyone goes back to school and I am kicked out of the best enviorment I've known in the longest time.

I have to get away, somehow. There's no way of me staying around this place if I can't be with the people I love.

This city named after another in italy is the most amazing place I have ever lived in. But 90% of that is because of the people who are here. I can live without all the great shopping and beaches and sights.

I won't be going to college in the fall, never planned on it, never wanted it or thought of it as much as so many othe rpeople do. I don't need it to live my life, don't think I ever will. Maybe it's a stupid move, but I don't care, I think it's a waste of four years I could be doing so much more.

I sit here, crying my emotions out of my soul, desperately wanting to stop slow dancing in this damn burning room. Please, PLEASE, someone stop this train I'm on, stop the time, or I'm going to go insane.

"I'm so scared of getting older; I'm only good at being young."

"And you don't miss a thing, 'til you cry. When you're driving away, in the dark. Singing, stop this train."

- L

the eleven // L.N.L.

Lauren N. Lankford

Lauren is such an amazing person, friend, writer, mentor, artist, photographer; and who knows what other great talents she has that I don't know of yet!

I met Lauren when I was seven and she was ten, while my family was living in Ohio over 10 years ago. Because of our age difference then, we didn't hang around each other that often and therefore weren't as close as we possibly could be.

Probably one of the few reasons we knew each other at all -and she has always been somewhere, in the back of my mind my whole life- is because the two of use share not only the same first name, but middle as well. I just had to mention that because I feel so honored to share the same name as her (and I think it's pretty neat as well :]).

I don't believe that there are enough words, phrases or expressions that I can give out to tell you how awesome LNL is. I feel SO lucky to even know her let alone be her friend and she be mine.
It's so funny how you can have met and known someone so many years ago, not speak to them for so long, and then one day you decide to send them a message through a social networking site; only to find out that you have so much in common and can talk to one another as if you've been close friends throughout all those absent years.

I have almost the same opinions, thoughts, ideas, sense of humor, taste in art & photography, ETC with Lauren. I love that I have someone that I can talk to about just about anything or any subject, knowing there won't be much disagreement, haha. It's nice to have a friend without much conflict.

Lauren's one of those people whom you cannot wait to hear about what she did over the weekend or what she's going to do after she gets off from work or any other interesting thing she might be doing at that moment. LNL leads probably one of the most interesting and adventurous lives that I know personally; it's fascinating. Oddly, she can also make the most random situations and things she see's in her life appear normal with the way she'll write about it. Which of course, is another branch in her tree of awesome-ness.

Her faith is so astounding to me; to have lived the life she has so far and still be so strong in faith and belief, it's beautiful. She inspires me to read my bible more, to dig deeper into my faith and go further down my walk with Jesus. Lauren was raised in a family that was controlling-relegious, but has found a way to take that upbringing and make her love for God & his word so much more stronger on her own; without a sense that it's obligation, but a joy & priveledge (as it is and should be) to be loved by Him. LNL is truly 'fearfully & wonderfully made'.

She seems to have become that older sister I never had, one that I didn't know I needed until now. For she can always, always help me through or better understand whatever I'm going through. Even if it's for just 5 minutes before she has to head out the door, and I need to talk to someone, she'll take the time to let me know that everything will turn out fine and I shouldn't worry so much as to other people's issues and problems, because they aren't my own. Things like that that I need to hear, just no one's put forth the effort to really help me figure out my problems and guide me through little things that pop up to worry me from day to day.

Lauren is also one of if not the most amazing artist I have ever known; through paint, pencil, digital film, and many other mediums that I probably haven't had the chance to see yet. Lauren is one of the few people that's really inspired me to get back, really back into photography & writing (including this blog.). Her work is so brilliant, creative, unique, stunning, pretty, interesting, fun, bright & colorful; if not more than that. I truly believe that someday she's going to be just as influental to me as to millions of people; LNL just has that star-like quality that's almost at it's full, ready to pop! and be out there for so many more people.

I honestly don't know what my life would be like without Lauren & her insight, influence, and the zillions of conversations we share.

Lauren, thank you for being such a brilliant, tried & true friend! I value our relationship so much and the dozens upon dozens of conversations we share each week. Thank you for all the honesty, compassion, advice and love you have bestowed upon me, I am so blessed to have you in my life. I appriciate you letting me in, into your mind & heart. You are such a beautiful and insightful person Lauren, there's not much more to say; for you're such a deep and complex (in a good way :]) girl, I really don't know how to say all that you are and what you & your friendship mean to me . I can tell you that there is no better big-sister-like person I could have ever asked or hoped for to have; thank you for not only being a great friend, but sister in Christ as well. You have such a soul that is filled with a beauty of understanding and care that I'm always grateful to have influencing my daily life. Thank you very, very much for being there for me and allowing me to be there for you, <3.

- L

frustration station

I've had an out of body experience as of this moment. It's these lyrics that just came to me.

--------------------------------------------

sitting here waiting
a fistful of hesitation
my mind is racin'
can't seem to shake this frustration

this frustration
it's taken over me
sitting here awaiting
for the train to come take me
away

heart is pacing
can't get my life out of this
this frustration station

----------------------------------------------

Working on best friend blogs, do not worry your little heads over it, haha. Just had to post this. :]

Cheers!
- L

the eleven // K.E.V.

Kaylyn Vollmer

It's hard to express just how much I love Kaylyn, because she's that amazing of a friend. Not only to me, but for others as well; just the excitement that propels from her about seeing people she hasn't in a long time or even people she saw the day before is so awesome.

Honestly, it's very hard to believe that I can even know a person who's as caring and considerate as she is, to be genuinely compassionate and caring towards someone that she's only known for four-ish months. It's hard to describe how odd it is to feel like you've known someone your whole life when it's been much, much shorter than that. Honestly, I cannot find enough words of adoration for this girl. Kaylyn (and her brothers) are a big part of the reason I feel so at home in Naples.

Throughout recent years I have been around girls who were so beautiful. But that visual beauty was about all they had, it didn't go any deeper than the skin. Kaylyn is beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside, GORGEOUS. If you ever meet her you will see just how pretty she is on the oustide, the constant smile & blue-blue eyes she has must break a heart every second. Her personality is so radiant, full of joy and happiness; un-ending, it seems like. I am incredibly thankful to have a personality like this in my life & memory.

I can talk to Kaylyn about anything and anyone; most of the time without any hesitation in what I'm saying and the way that I am wording whatever I am trying to say. Which I have always had somewhat of an awkwardness of doing with every other friend I've had. It's such a blessing to know there's no judgement with Kaylyn in what you're saying, how you're saying something, who you're talking about, what your opinion is, ETC; a HUGE blessing.

Whenever I'm headed to Chi Rho or church in general, Kaylyn & the Vollmer boys are the one's I'm most exited to see. I love Valerie, Martine, Emily, & Miss Carol just as much as them; but those three just have a spark within them that shines through the whole space that they're in. You can feel it, it's there(And you miss the energy that's gone whenever they cannot be there.); and Kay is the leader of the pack, the one that at least I believe brings it out of the other two so much more when they're all together.

I heard it in a film one time, that when it's just one by itself, it's not as strong as when all three come together. That's how I'd describe it. Kaylyn's aura is always bright, but it's just a little bit more brighter when Jon & Harrison are around.

And you know why that is? Because without Jon and Harrison, Kaylyn wouldn't be Kaylyn. Which is another neat part of her that I love. You rarely hear a teenage girl talk about all the random times she's had with her younger brothers; let alone how awesome those moments were. It's such a brilliant, endearing quality about her. Whenever I see all of them together, it kind of makes me want to write a short story about 'The Three V's' .

I feel like it's been a long time coming to have Kaylyn in my life. She's one of four girls in my life that I feel to have a true connection with. Not so much as having a lot in common with, but just that connection that's so strong and you feel like this person's been coming closer and closer to you your whole life, and finally they're here.

Kaylyn, I am SO thankful and grateful to have you in my life. You're an amazing friend that I still cannot comprehend is in my life. I appreciate and value your friendship, opinions and personality so much; thank you for being the caring, compassionate, considerate, loving, sweet, interesting and endearing person that you are. And thank you so much for letting me in and being a brilliant through and through friend. I thank God every day to have a friend like you, for it has been far to long not to have all the amazing friends that I have now, you being at the front of them all living in my Naples life. I do not hope for, but know that we will be close friends until we are old & gray; and that assurance is such a blessing because I haven't had it in my life, ever. I love you Miss Kay, and wish & pray for you to have the best in life, wherever it may take you throughout the years. <3

- L

'The Eleven'

Hopefully within the next hour or two I will be able to post the first blog in a series of eleven about my best friends. I've been working extremely hard on them (still have a long ways to go on over half, sheesh..), but I think that I will finally have one finished tonight and am SO anxious to start posting them.

This is just a fair warning though; if any of the posts sound stalkerish, it's completely not on purpose. I found whilst writing these that it isn't easy to be passionate about your friends and who they are without a hint of obsession coming out, haha.

Anyway..I look forward to the few people that read this to read these, cause I've been working for what seems like forever on them. :]

Cheers!
- L

ugh..

I was just venting a few minutes ago..stuff that had been stored inside myself for the longest time and really needed to be let out.

Unfortunately, it came out in a time where it really wasn't necessary and I really can't tell you why, because I don't even know. It was and still somewhat is an issue I have with my (hopefully) friends and am doing my best to cope with it whenever a situation arises.

I'm currently, as of this minute, working on my string of blogs about my ten best friends. Anymore it's about working on the finishing touches, making sure everything sounds okay and is worded correctly, etc.

(Kaylyn, I am working on them, don't worry!)

Back to my point though - I just wanted to apologize if I hurt any one's feelings in the near future. It's not directed toward anyone in particular; just sort of a statement I needed to get out in the open after a long time.

Anyway..hopefully one or two friend blogs will be up within the day....I think I am getting close, haha.

Cheers!
- L

unkowing melancholy

Often in my life, I find myself wondering what my friends think of me. I've been told that this isn't a good thing to dwell on, because you shouldn't care what others think of you; and most normal people don't worry if their 'friends' think of you as a friend as well.

Because I've been home schooled since I was ten, having church as the only place to meet people and hang out with anyone my own age, might be part of that. So often I hear the people I'm around talking about their friends, or they're texting someone else that isn't there or tell stories that happened over the past weekend's adventure; and I don't have any sort of clue as to why that hurts my feelings.

I understand that 90% of the teenage population's outlet for friends comes from school and extracurricular activities, not church, so it's hard for most people to understand; but that doesn't make it any easier to pretty much know that you aren't per say on their 'top friends list'.

It would probably take me two hours to think of all the times I've been in a room with people I consider to be my friends and hear them talk about all the great times they've had with others. To know that you've never heard any of these friends talk about you in that memorable way or say 'do you remember that one time?'. So many of you take those minuscule things for granted or don't think much of it; and as I said, I don't know why, but it kind of hurts my feelings.

Sometimes I'd just like to scream out at certain ones that never stop talking about times they've had with others. I know that's terribly rude and mean, but it's just how I've felt every now and again throughout my life; even when I wasn't home schooled, now that I think about it.

I know that the few people that read this probably won't understand this or might even think it's an extremely inconsiderate thing to say, but that's life. Lately I've had to hear all sorts of things I don't want to, but shit happens and there's nothing we can do about it unfortunately.

- L

the time is upon us to enjoy every moment

Right now, as of this moment in time, I am working on two new blogs; that I am hoping to finish and publish by sunday or monday.

But I just wanted to take a moment to say how much I love all my friends here in Naples. I love all ten of my best friends, but the eight here in Florida have been stuck in my mind 24/7 lately.

I've mentioned it before and will never stop telling people how amazing my companions here are.

That's all I'm going to say, cause otherwise I'll get much more emotional than planned for a simple little note like this (And I'll save all that lovely stuff for the blogs I'm working on right now. <3).>

Just wanted to share these couple photos with the unknown that read this. Because most of the time, photos like these are what give me the inspiration to take photos more often, and talk about these people even more.

LOVE ALL YOU AWESOME FLORIDIANS!

Cheers!

- L
EDIT: click on the photos above for larger & better versions of them. :]

do the right thing

Right now I'm at work, on my lunch break; and cannot wait until the day is over. The only reason I have made it thus far is because I constantly have up-beat music blaring from my noise-cancelling headphones.

Reasons I Still Work At G.U.S.A. :

1.) It gives me two days a week that I'm not stuck at home being even more annoyed & bored. (If that's possible..?)

2.) Keeping the job gives me somewhat of an income while I look for another place to work. I feel it would be completely irresponsible and stupid of me to just quit and have no job or income while i send out applications.

3.) Every once and a while I get to go somewhere fun here on the east coast, and that kind of makes everything worth while too, I guess. (Horrible grammar, sorry.)


I don't know, I love the east coast probably as much as the west, and don't know how often I will come over here once I discontinue working here; which is kind of unnerving. I like my job 75% of the time, it just seems to have gotten more boring and dull as time went on. Maybe if there were more than 2-4 people in the office, so there'd be more going on, I would stay longer. (You know, more exitement.) But, ugh, I don't know, I'm just ready for a change.

AND I cannot work here over the summer. There is no way that I will take two FULL days out of every week this summer when I could be doing other activities. And I have too much planned already, so I know that I'll be missing 3-4 weeks, and it's only march.

We'll just see, I'm hoping to have a second job by the middle of april and to have quit this job by the end of may. The middle of june at the latest. Well I have a trip early/mid june, so I have to stop before then, haha.

Anywho, I'm going overtime on my break, I'm glad I atleast got to let some of this out and get a blog entry in. I have like 2ish drafts of blog posts, just wrapping them up; so hopefully I can post those throughout the end of the week and the weekend. :]

Cheers!
- L

i haven't been sleepin' so wellllll

[title an excerpt from vega under fire's 'fabricated air'//myspace.com/vegaunderfire]

Today I got nine hours of sleep. That's the first time it's happened in at least a month, and boy did it feel good; despite waking up to see it was one o'clock in the afternoon.

I wish I could say that I live by the phrase 'Who needs sleep? You can sleep when you're dead.', cause unfortunately I can't. I know though, that a good portion of my friends can, and I wish I knew the secret to surviving through every day with only 4-6 hours of sleep. Whenever I get that amount, I tend to have headaches throughout the day and am an extreme bitch for the first couple hours I'm out of bed.

Maybe it's from being home schooled pretty much my whole life. The days I don't have to work, go to church or get up before nine or ten, I've always gotten a decent amount of sleep; and it seems that whenever I don't, I cannot handle it as well as my peers can.

This train of thought has been in my mind for at least two weeks now; and I'd like to throw it out into the void. Because voids don't talk back to tell you the many situations or activities in your life that you could change to help getting more sleep accomplish-able. Which I'm extremely tired of hearing. I know the things I should do to stop it, it's just going to take time.

- L

goodness gracious, you're so vivacious!

I love films/movies so much...but every now and then I realize that I just pretty much love music to death. Good Lord, I do.

I esspecially love finding new, unique music.

So I just want to take the opportunity to let the few people that read this check out these awesome artists I've fallen in love with as of the last couple months. It doesn't hurt though, that some of my friends are in these bands, haha.

Some are FAMOUS, some not so much:


http://www.myspace.com/linden -- 'in and out', 'over and over' & 'redefine'

http://www.myspace.com/familyforce5 -- 'supersonic' & 'wake the dead'.

http://www.myspace.com/stephenjerzak -- 'white horse(cover)' & 'time bomb baby'

http://www.myspace.com/taylorswift -- 'white horse', 'should've said no' & 'fifteen'

http://www.myspace.com/vegaunderfire -- 'fabricated air' & 'cue the fight song'


Please go and check out those awesome artists of our generation, they're so worth the ten minutes it takes to listen to two songs, I promise.

More photos from the LGIF coming this weekend (hopefully) & I have a couple good blog topics coming up. :]

Much Love,
- L

a vega of interfacing under fire (description)

(I had to do a separate post, don't know why but it wouldn't let me post paragraphs with pictures. weird.)


Just a little preview of the blog to come about the Indie Music Festival over the weekend. So many amazing memories were made these past two days, and so much good new music that has filled my brain, it's going to be almost impossible to describe.

What you see below are some photos of 'interface', a band that played both days & the only reason I wanted to come sunday, haha. You can check out their music at myspace.com/interfacefl, but the recorded versions are no comparison to what you hear & see live. So if you're in southwest florida sometime, you've got to check 'em out!

More blogging & photos to come as the week goes by, I promise!

Cheers!
- L

a vega of interfacing under fire

awaiting a festival

Oh blah, I know I need to blog, and I want to blog...but I just can't. I have too many subjects I'd like to discuss and way too many ideas & questions to send out into the void; but because of the many possibilities that could flow from my mind into the keyboard and through your eyes, I am stuck as to what I should place here first. And it is driving me insane!!

So, at least i have posted something to explain my lack of blogging/laziness. I hope all is forgiven. :[

Cheers!
- L

For Kaylyn <3

I listened to this song at work today, and it just instantly made me think of you. Esspecially if you consider the subject matter of which we have been disscussing as of late. ;] Heart you bunches Miss Kay....


It Won't Be Long
Performed by Evan Rachel Wood (in Across The Universe)
Written by John Lennon & Paul McCartney
Originally Performed by The Beatles

It won't be long, yeah, yeah, yeah
It won't be long, yeah, yeah, yeah
It won't be long, yeah, till I belong to you

Every night when everybody has fun
Here am I sitting all on my own

It won't be long, yeah, yeah, yeah
It won't be long, yeah, yeah, yeah
It won't be long, yeah, till I belong to you

Since you left me I'm so alone
Now you're coming, you're coming on home
I'll be good like I know I should
You're coming home, you're coming home

Every night the tears come down from my eyes
Every day I've done nothing but cry

It won't be long, yeah, yeah, yeah
It won't be long, yeah, yeah, yeah
It won't be long, yeah, till I belong to you

Well, since you left me I'm so alone
Now you're coming, you're coming on home
I'll be good like I know I should
You're coming home, you're coming home

So every day we'll be happy I know
Now I know you won't leave me no more

It won't be long, yeah, yeah, yeah
It won't be long, yeah, yeah, yeah
It won't be long, yeah, till I belong to you, woo


Now I know that it's not exactly the same to your relationship w/ Mr. C, but still, it was odd hearing it after so long of not hearing it; and starting to finally have some sort of relation to the song. When I listened to it before, I pretty much thought of the story-line of the film & those scenes; now I'll probably think of both that & your relationship with Mr. C. :D

Cheers!
- L

coming upon a barrier

coming up on the barrier
people seem to jump ahead
unafraid of the carrier
can we stay behind the line
or let it all go to our heads

i'm seeing the sundown
it comes into my sight
when they were on the rebound
it's out of my reach, beyond my might

i go ahead anyway with hope
this is not hope i've heard of
from the papers of mass influence
a stronger one given to me
from a being up above


This poem isn't finished as of yet, but it's getting there. Just wanted to post it for fun.

Cheers!
- L

slow dancing in a burning room...

I decided to put that John Mayer song as a title because it's one of those songs that I can't get out of my mind at all. Not necessarily one of those songs that is very catchy and it won't get out of your head (IE: Lady GaGa - 'Just Dance'), but a song that has touched your heart & life so much that you can't stop thinking about the meaning and emotion of it.

I've been told that I read way too much into things, especially art-affiliated subjects such as music and film, so I completely understand if none of what I'm about to say makes sense.

A brilliant song is like heroin.

It's not like cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, meth, etc. It's a drug that's overwhelmingly addictive and something you love to hear and can't get enough of, yet there's a sting of painful sorrow that comes with a brilliant song that's also filled with emotion. I know it's not the most grammar-correct way to put it, but it's such a difficult thing to explain.

'Slow Dancing In A Burning Room' has to be one of my most favorite slow John Mayer songs. Only recently did I truly listen to it and find out how much I adore the music & lyrics. I had heard it before, several times, but never truly listened to it.

Even though the song discusses an ending relationship, I think it can be a good representative of other situations as well...

Ending friend-relationship - I know I've met girls who've been the 'a bitch because you can'. It's that bittersweet ending of a friendship that you thought was amazing in the beginning; then you saw the person's true colors and realized that no matter what you tried to do to keep the relationship going because it was so great in the beginning, it has to end for the sake of both persons. And most of the time, it ends in that slow dance type of way, (eww, that was horrible grammar.) like you're in a burning room of emotions & exaustion. I know that probably didn't make much sense to anyone else, but it did to me.

The start of a for sure doomed relationship - Through various situations, I've met girls who've gone into a relationship knowing just how bad it will turn out in the end. To me it doesn't make that much sense to go through something like that, but I guess to certain types of girls it does..? Just to enter a relationship for the thrill of it, to be with a guy for a peroid of time instead of being alone. And yes, that is understandable in a certain respect; but I guess I could never go through with something like that myself, it just doesn't make sense to enter a relationship that has no future whatsoever.

I don't know...I love this song and so many other songs that have deep meanings and make you think hard about where you are and where you've been. 'Slow Dancing In A Burning Room' does that for me, makes me think of the many situations that I've gone through that can be represented by a phrase like that. Haven't we all been slow dancing in a burning room a few times in our lives? The walls inflamed so much that there's no way out of the situation than to just dance your way through it.

The whole week I spent trying to write this, I never felt like I was making sense at all. So if you read this (Kaylyn ;P) and thought it sounded alright, let me know.


Cheers!
- L

bold as love

"I've just found some way or another to synthesize love or synthesize soothing. But you can't get that, and what I'm saying is, I've messed with all the other approaches except for one and it's going to sound really corny, but that's just love. That's just love. I've done everything in my life that I wanna do except just give and feel love for my living.

And I don't mean like, uh, 'roman candle, firework, Hollywood hot pink love'. I mean 'I got your back!' love.

I don't need to hear I love you. You guys love me, I love you, we got that down.

But some of the people who will tell you that they love you are the same people who are the last to just have your back.

So I'm going to experiment with this love thing. Giving love, feeling love. I know it sounds really corny but it's the last thing I got to check out before I check out."
- John Mayer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQSGa8nZs8g

(stupid blogger won't let me embed it into the post, so I have to put a link up instead.)


Cheers!
- L

good love was on the way

In my eighteen years, I have never had that 'best friend'. I've come close to it, but never had that one person who knew you best and you knew them better than anyone.

The middle school years were rough not having that BFF. Everyone, girl or guy, had one and it drove me crazy. I hated hearing my friends talk about the things they did with their best friends or how much they adored going over to their BFF's house. To me it was not only frustrating not having one, but made me feel inferior when they would say those sort of things in front of me. (I had not yet heard that beautiful and true Eleanor Roosevelt quote.)

My Mom would tell me that it didn't matter if I had a 'best' friend, just a few close ones. Not everyone in life would have one, and she didn't have one until midway through High School. I believed her, truly, and did my best to forget about my nonexistent BFF.

But the years went by, I gained and lost friends every year through the constant moving. (It'll always be true of "Out of sight, out of mind."). Some friends still kept in touch, but it wasn't the same, they weren't phisically there. I couldn't have the stories all my other friends did; going to the mall, park, movies, ice cream, ETC. I longed for at least a true, actually there, best friend.

And then came last summer, when I got to really know an amazingly beautiful, honest, sweet & caring girl (or I should probably say, woman) named April. She was (and is) 9 years older than myself, but somehow we seemed to hit it off quite well. We'd known each other for over a year, but on a trip to Atlanta in August, we bonded over 'Twilight'. Ah yes, the inevitable 'Twilight'.

But that wasn't all, on the course of that long weekend she became my companion; someone I could always turn to for good conversation or just a genuine smile. It was odd, I never thought that one of my most close and 'best' friends would be almost ten years older than myself & married.

Honestly though, it didn't feel odd. It was an odd situation, but it didn't feel that way; I had finally found that 'best friend'.

THEN, I move down here and all of a sudden, I have 7 more best friends. The reason I believe they're 'best' kinds of friends is because of how genuine they are around me, that kind of feeling that you know they consider you a friend as much as you do them. It's been at least ten years since I've had that feeling, truly. I've had good friends in the recent past, but definately not this good of friends.

It's kind of another odd feeling, being able to know these kinds of people. That truly care about you and what you have to say. The lovely kind of friends who actually get back to you when you call them or write on their wall on FB. And also the kind that are so dang interesting themselves that there's a bazillion questions that you have to ask them, but never seem to have enough time to. These are the friends I've been waiting for, the kind that I know I'll be friends with my whole life.


Have a happy Friday! TGIF!

Cheers!
- L

unfinished business

Poem #1

As the tear rolls down my spine
I think of that lullaby that's been on my mind
Wondering if my heart will ever be alright
Hoping someday that my fears
Will disappear into the night


Poem #2

Singing of expressions
Expressions of sight
The sight of your expressions
Help me see the light

I hear your voice
Ringing out all the bad
Keeping the sun in
Our distance drives me mad

Can we be closer
The closer for our hearts

Hearts can get lonely too easy
How will we leave our mark

I want you to remember me
Not just for the night
To have me in your dreams
And thoughts within your life



Cheers!
- L

screaming hallelujah

Do you ever have that feeling that you're pretty much the last person to know what everyone else knows? No matter what the subject or person may be? I used to get that feeling alot. I don't seem to anymore, cause I truly believe it's because I have much better people in my life than I used to.

Of course, whenever you move somewhere new, there's always going to be that awkward phase of learning everything or as much as you're allowed to know about your new acquaintances & friends. Unfortunately, I've had to do that about 10 times.

I've only lived in 7 states, but moved anywhere from 14-16 times, I really can't remember. Sometimes the moves didn't require meeting new people, cause the new house was close to where we were going to church and the sports & groups we belonged to. But most of the time I had to start completely over.

Now I am not complaining, but just sort of looking back in a way; not reminiscing at all. Mainly because I feel so unbelievably blessed to be where I am now. Despite all the odd & horrible medical issues happening with my family at the moment.

In the previous place I used to live in, I felt trapped. Physically & emotionally. There was nothing to do, nowhere real interesting to go, everyone was always extremely busy; I met probably some of the most schedule-obsessed people ever in AL (that sounded really bad, but I can't think of a better-grammar way to say it). It was pretty much either stay at home and go wander around the property, go to church (which pretty much went downhill as soon as the previous Youth Director lost his job), or you could go into town, which was such a blast running into Walmart or CVS.

Emotionally, I was caught in between so many crossroads; with friends, guys & life in general. I didn't really think that girls could act like they did in 'Mean Girls' until I met some of the young women in Wetumpka. It was so easy for most of them to act genuine in front of certain people and then stab you in the back once that person had gotten out of ear-shot. Or, more so, once you had gotten out of their atmosphere, so they could say whatever they wanted to their 'friends'. I would constantly get looks from people whom I thought were my friends, the looks of 'why are you even here?', 'you don't belong here', 'who does she think she is?'. Over and over again, it never ended until I finally got to move.

For a long time, I had not liked or had feelings for a guy, boy, whatever you like to call them; for at least three years. Then a certain one came along and changed my world. I had never had feelings for any other guy before, it was much more than a crush. And because of that, I got crushed. It was also incredibly bad timing, because I had just found out that I was going to move in 8 months when I met him. He wasn't the best looking thing in the world, but he had a true and beautiful heart. I could pretty much talk to him about anything and anyone. The problem was that I don't think he ever realized that I liked him that way or he did and never acted like it, haha. I used to think he had found out, but now that I look back, I realize that he probably had no idea, unfortunately. He is now with a girl that seems fairly nice, but I don't know, I hate to be rude. I'll just let it go. I'll never let him or the memory of him go, but I'm going to try and let my feelings and opinions on his relationship go.

Life there was just boring and uncomfortable. There was a select group of people I knew I would miss, and I still do, but I could not wait to get away from it all for good.

Now, I kind of have to go back for a bit. One of my mentors & good friends is going to get married on the 20th of June, and I am set on attending the ceremony. His fiancee' & himself are so amazing together and apart, and they're two of the handful of people I miss every day. I really cannot wait to see some of the people I miss, but on the same page, I am really dreading seeing everyone I wanted to get away from.


The main reason for all this thinking about the past is because I found my old poetry journal today. Toward the end of my stay in Wetumpka, I wrote alot of poems, just trying to get the emotions out best I could. I think I'll post one here later on today (when it's in the actual wake-up time of morning or the afternoon), just to see if it actually sounds alright when I read it out of my handwriting.

ANYWAY, I wrote alot more than I had planned, and in poor grammar & punctuation I might add, grrrruh. Hopefully my blogging will get back to it's better ways the more often I do so.

Have a pleasant Wednesday!
Cheers!
- L

EDIT (TOO late at night to mention) - I actually posted this at 12 or 1 something, but it kept telling me it was scheduled, so I had to put yesterdays date on it so it would actually publish the darn post. That probably made no sense, but it's too late for me to really care if it made sense at all, haha.

have i lost you, american mouth

Being busy is something i dislike. People you like to spend time with being busy i despise.

Lately, that's all i can think about, honestly. It seems like no one is ever available to go and do anything or just hang out and watch movies or something. And that really, really stinks.

Now I'm not saying that i never have a busy schedule; ever since i moved here, I've become a lot more busier than normal.

BUT, it would be nice to hear ever now and again, that no one has plans for one whole weekend, you know? That the people whom i care for the most and like to be around the most don't have any plans and would like to do something anytime over the weekend.

I hope this doesn't come off as selfish at all, it's just getting old. where i used to live, people would get somewhat busy, but never this bad. They'd be over-scheduled, but not extreme busy-bees like there are here. Is it because I'm just boring? I have to wonder..

Well, the next month should be better; there are a few possibilities on the horizon. Keep your fingers crossed that those plans get set in stone somehow. :]

I PROMISE that the next blog won't include that much complaining or selfishness.

Hope everyone has a pleasant Monday!

Cheers!
- L

restarting a hobby

I used to write a blog, pretty regularly, but then stopped as my family prepared to move here (Southwest Florida) in July & August of 2008.

For about two months now, I've been wanting to start writing a blog again. I love to write, I have so many ideas for stories & scripts in my head (still trying to get those on paper or in a Word document) and have over a dozen pen pals.

I guess having so many pen pals at the moment is part of why I'd really like to start jotting down my daily or weekly thoughts more often. Because not all my friends enjoy writing and reading letters. Plus, it's just a great way to get out your emotions right when you have the urge to.


So..we'll see how this goes, hopefully I can keep it up like I had done before. There's much more to talk about now, so I shouldn't have any trouble. :]

Cheers!
- L